Does this describe you? Smiling all day? Fighting through tears? Struggling to hold it together? Possibly trying to manage the pain with food or some other soother to endure the daylight hours?
And then at night after the children are tucked in and the house has been tidied, among many other responsibilities, you crawl into bed. The darkness and the isolation hide your face and provide a muzzle to your voice. And you cry.
I am worn out from my groaning.
All night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes.
You cry because it hurts that your husband neglects you, even though you are attentive in your prioritization of him.
It hurts because he doesn't reciprocate your loving gestures.
It hurts because he slips out of every hug prematurely - a hug he never initiates.
It hurts because he criticizes every. single. thing. Even though you are home with the children and possibly even homeschooling them and the house is crazy, you make sure it is clean and tidy and as close to museum or model home quality, the way he likes it, but yet, it is still not enough. Ever.
It hurts that he seems to look right through you when you are sharing your heart with him.
It hurts that it feels like he uses you.
It hurts that no matter how much you bathe your words in prayer, choose a loving tone, or carefully select your words
It hurts that your different point of view is labeled "disrepectful," "unsubmissive," and "unchristian."
It hurts that he actually seems to hate you, living in the same space with you like he is tolerating you.
It hurts that he withholds affection from you.
It hurts that he will not have discussions about the future with you, unless it interests or serves him.
It hurts that he lies, gaslights, and feeds empty promises to you.
It hurts because you feel like a single woman and single mother, even though you are married. It hurts to feel like you are living with a roommate.
It hurts because he is behaving like a foe.
It is difficult to compute that your husband is your foe. The pain is compounded by confusion, disbelief. and despair.
It hurts because it seems no one would understand.
Hold on, though. The Word of God is beautiful in that it reflects the troubles of real life, and the sometimes treacherous journey on this side of glory. Take heart, however because it also provides hope and comfort for that same journey, in the verses that follow:
Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the Lord has heard my weeping.
The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;
the Lord accepts my prayer.
All my enemies will be overwhelmed with shame and anguish;
they will turn back and suddenly be put to shame.
God will answer you. He will help you. He will rescue you and remove your enemies far away from you. Sometimes He does this physically, and sometimes He does this emotionally and mentally. Either way, you can trust Him to do it. He is faithful and He is capable.
He is so loving, caring, and compassionate that not only does He hear our cries, but He captures every tear in a bottle. (Psalm 56:8) They mean that much to Him.
Trust the Lord. It grieves Him that His daughter is mistreated and abused. He will contend with those that contend with you and He will fight every battle. You just have to stand still and watch the reaping of what your enemies have sown.
Stay strong. Though it feels like an impossibility today, one day the tears will stop. One day again soon, you will experience joy. Keep believing and keep trusting. God's word is true and never returns void.