Raise your hand if you've heard this before from well-meaning individuals who rightly want to save marriages:
Your spouse is not your enemy.
This statement is true.
This statement is also dangerous.
It's true because Ephesians 6:12 tells us:
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against
principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the
darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness
in the heavenly places.
It is dangerous because 1 Peter 5:8 tells us:
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a
roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
and 2 Timothy 3:1-5 tells us:
But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of
difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud,
arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy,
heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not
loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of
pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of
godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.
If you are not careful, misunderstanding the ploys of the true enemy, you will overlook the fact that he influences people - including spouses - to carry out his agenda of destruction.
Letting your guard down exposing yourself to abuse because you are unable to discern that the fruit your husband is producing aligns him amongst the enemy's ranks, keeps you vulnerable to continued abuse.
You are a daughter of the King and you deserve love, respect, and deference. You were fearfully and wonderfully made and ordained with great purpose even before time began. Anyone who mistreats you and abuses you is at war with your Creator, thereby positioning themselves as your enemy, as well.
Abuse diminishes you in so many ways and it can be incredibly difficult to recover. Stop the bleeding and wake up! You wanting a loving husband who truly loves God and honors you is not the same as actually having one. Give God your denial and toxic hope.
You want to believe that there is some kind of sacred circle around your marriage and that somehow, some day healing will come and your hurting husband will stop hurting you and value you and your marriage. When it comes to the malignant narcissist, this expectation is not only misplaced, but it is dangerous because it is not sober thinking and your naivete will cause you to be devoured.
Consider some of the Bible's warnings and instructions about dealing with people who behave in an evil manner.
Like a muddied spring or a polluted fountain is a righteous man who gives
way before the wicked. (Proverbs 25:26)
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and
him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does
not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be
established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to
listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the
church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. (Matthew 18:15-17)
Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest
you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare. (Proverbs 22:24-25)
Good people stay away from evil. By watching what they do, they protect their
lives. (Proverbs 15:17)
The wise see danger ahead and avoid it, but fools keep going and get into
trouble. (Proverbs 22:3)
Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they
may trample them under their feet and turn and tear you to pieces.
Lord, please give my friend discernment so she may judge her situation rightly. Her desire to believe the best about her situation no matter what fruit she is seeing to the contrary prevents her from seeing the truth about her situation and it makes her vulnerable to the enemy's destruction. Please touch her husband and help him see his need for You so that he can be the man and father You ordained him to be. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.